I often wonder about time. About how much I have left and how much I’ve spent and wasted. Thinking about all that is remaining; all the things to do and details to acknowledge and minutes to pass…all that makes me anxious. It freaks me out, actually. Because when everything starts to come down on me like dates and hours and months and the years that may or not come, I begin wondering what to do with my time. And then I find problems. I find me standing in a grey area filled with smoke. I’ve never had a plan, I’ve never done too bad with my life and yet, the life that is to come has to begin with choices. There is no other way to start it.
So instead of standing in the fog, coughing and waving my hands crazy to see if I can see what’s ahead, I tend to draw back where the sun still shines. I tend to close my eyes and forget about all the rounds the spinning watch is still to take. But there is always a catch; when forgetting about the possible and imminent future, when taking off the imaginary watch on the wrist, when letting go of that tight grip holding a life thread, there comes a consuming excitement of not fulfilling the moment with enough life. With enough passion.
When I reach this point, there are problems. Mainly because the fire that decides to burst inside me gets a little out of control; it begins to burn everything around it until there is no more air and it ends by burning out. By fading. Being like this takes me to a place different yet equal to the first one; instead of wet fog and smelly smoke there are blazing flames and blinding orange heat.
So, I know balance is the answer but as we all know, not the most reachable, at hand solution. Where to stand?
So instead of standing in the fog, coughing and waving my hands crazy to see if I can see what’s ahead, I tend to draw back where the sun still shines. I tend to close my eyes and forget about all the rounds the spinning watch is still to take. But there is always a catch; when forgetting about the possible and imminent future, when taking off the imaginary watch on the wrist, when letting go of that tight grip holding a life thread, there comes a consuming excitement of not fulfilling the moment with enough life. With enough passion.
When I reach this point, there are problems. Mainly because the fire that decides to burst inside me gets a little out of control; it begins to burn everything around it until there is no more air and it ends by burning out. By fading. Being like this takes me to a place different yet equal to the first one; instead of wet fog and smelly smoke there are blazing flames and blinding orange heat.
So, I know balance is the answer but as we all know, not the most reachable, at hand solution. Where to stand?
