~*Pinktangerine*~: November 2009

I don´t know how to explain this, maybe because in order to explain something it is necessary to have a logical reasoning behind it. I, as usal, don´t have one for this.
How do you begin to explain beign filled with emotions that you can not separate?
In this momment I feel nostalgia, jelousy, uneasyness, happiness, peace and restlesness. My fingers try to type with speed but they only find motions complicated by the rush of bits going inside my skin.
I have before felt often like this, needless to say, and never have found the answer.
This is not a complain as much as it is a very hard question (or several). How do I catch up with life?
Im not at home, Im not in a familiar space (even though I feel very comfortable in this city) I go to a school I like, do things I like, eat what I like. I can not say Im missing anything. So why wont it stop?
I was walking back home today and I started thinking about how, it doesnt matter where you are, you are still the same you. People doesnt change. I ve been trying hard to explain this to Dear Roomate but maybe I wasnt listening myself. Sometimes I firmly believe that I dont need my own advice. She talks about wanting to go out and meeting people and when we are in a bar, with unknown people, she shys away and finds herself wanting to go home and sleep. I understand that, my answer was if there is something you have not liked doing for 23 years, it is most clear that you will not want to do it instantly just because you crossed country lines. She agreed.
Now, that was a matter of likes and dislikes, I will still enjoy figs anywhere in the world and think beer is an aquired taste I dont whish to acknowledge. That is simple.
The situation however, becomes obscure when we mention feelings; I try hard to make friends and even when it takes time and I do feel there is progress in it, they will see me as everyone else does; a mouse. The shy, quiet girl that goes everywhere when asked but is just, there.
Maybe it is not even so; my point to all this is that people doesnt change, and maybe I just want to do so.
I got what I wanted, I left everyone I know and feel safe with back home, I am free in the sense of not being restricted and still I feel imprisioned. The problem is me, then, of course. I know the answer then is, fix yourself, but I just wanna ask, how do I run from myself?
I was very determied of being here in a certain way, I was sure my mind was up for it, that my actions where up to it, that I could just be here, and do that, just be.
It has nothing to do with happines or feeling lonely, I am happy and I dont feel alone, most importat, Im not. Why do I keep looking for reasons , then? Why is it so hard to just be?
And then, it all turns to having too much to say and no way of figuring it out. Its like there is a wall inside my head and everything that is important and interesting is being held back behind it.
Was the cultural shock not grand enough? next time I'll be going to China and still feel confortable enough, still numb enough.
In other notice, I finished reading Niffenegger, it was a very surprising last 100 pages. Its amazing how when reading I can find myself in a characther, watching a movie too but when it comes to real life, I still have no idea. Which of course is obvious but still strange; if I can find myself that way then why not just be theatrical about it collect those personalities that I have already assumed as my own. That would be pretty fucked up.
I know by definition, Im longing, same as always. I cant turn it off. Dont know how to change it.
I must. or before I know it july will be here and I will still be me.