HappY HolyDays

Did you know that beacause of time lines and time uses it is xmas somewhere else and it is tomorrow some where else? of course you know, it is just one of those things you know but dont give much importance to.
Whta is there to say about today? I 've probably spent the last week waiting for this day to just arrive and go, and I m not going to say that now I want ti to last all night, but Im not really feeling the joy of it happening. Any way, have a nice day and a nice winter vacation¡¡

De corazones desequilibrados*

" And its so hard to do, and so easy to say
that sometimes you just have to walk away" Ben Harper- Walk away

I hate to be lonely, and then when time finally goes by easylly, have to regret it because it took me away from reality for for a while.

"Siento que debo encontrarte y sin embargopaso el tiempo yéndome hacia mi mismo,a mi centro que jamás encontrare.
Yo quisiera tenerte y tratarte de modo decente pero ves que ya no puedo despegar de mi papel. Deberé de tranquilizarme y jugar al juego que me prepones.Bajo la guardia, te recibo y me abrigo de tu piel.
El destino me ha dado corazones desequilibrados, Tu palabra me nivela y detiene mi caer"
Miranda- Don

How about self destruction?

In the days of my mental crisis combined with a personal out brake and a future related "crossroad", I stood in the middle of a friends gattering and went to the bathroom, and there in front to the mirror, object I am fond of talking to... , I spoke " Even if now I can't get out, one day I'll get out of this town, and if that doesn't work, I can always Kill myself".I must add a little foot note; even if I love preaching suicide, thinking about it in a "deep and un-personal way", I 've never believed in it. Even in my worst days never have I tried it or even crossed it as an option. There is one easy way for me not to; If it hurts now, imagine how can it hurt forever. Not even as a religion issue but as a we are espirits and that would definitly leave a scar.Any way, it scared me, I repeted what I had just said and it freaked me, I could kill myself, but I just dont want to, cutting you'r veins open isn't funny, been there done that. What am I gonna do then? I have something burnig me up inside and I guess I need to clear it out.
I am too much of a coward and this is something I really dont want to be challenged on, I just really need to find a way of getting out.It wasnt the only thought of the day, after crying for almost a week in a row I decided to be the perfect daughter, to use TV as a guide to life and be all desesperated housewives on mine.
So, to be the perfect person, eat vegetables and all, and then strike back as hard as I can, but honestly, that just wont work, I need to do something now, I just can't think of anything that can work as a I told you so and not to be too hard. I mean, I m not getting pregnant just so my mom shuts up about how much sex Im getting. Which by the way Im not¡¡¡Our parents, I mean people like them, they should get daugthers and sons with smoking and drinking habits, with cocaine addictions and orgies by the weekend. Instead they got us, virgins with out stomachs hard enough to hold alchol and sensitive lungs. How many times did I walked resigned to a friend and her cigars and tried? But I know that if I did my 5 colds a year would be 10 and honestly I dont care much for the bother.Guess we'll just have to do with what we have. Try not to fall to many times, or simply learn to stay in the ground.

There was a little girl..

She looked in the mirror
with caution not to break it
'casue her moves made the wind go hazy
'cause she was clumsy and slow

She told to herself
"Today never happend"
and with a fake knowing smile
she went and hid from the light

And she cried again
like she hadn't in a while
since she was a little doll
since she had her brain in her soul



And so she smiled
sitting in her chair
looking at her place
inside the house of lies

She held tight to her insides
wondering if by one's tears
one could drown

She thought to her notes
how the future shows to the ones with eyes
and how she can say she has seen
and the future scares her to the point of screams

Because she saw a girl
sitting in a chair
singing herself to sleep
alone

And alone wasn't sweet
it smelled like death
and hurt like people knows how.
Alone tried to kill her

And so, too scare to move
she sat in a chair
rocking to front and back
thinking "if the future comes
it will find me here"

Wearing blood red wine in her veins
with crystal in her eyes
and stars in the soles of her shoes
she sat.

Pic by Waldo Savedra - Camila

Dangerous to be kept awake at lonely nights

Days go by unlived like pages in a book with out words. These days I feel my heart go and go, harder than before. Maybe it’s the cold.

I’ve always know I m happier in the sun. Like always, I yearn for the lost summer days when with out a worry we all walked and saw through it all.
It is now, especially, that I see the bridge of between my sanity and my flow collapse. It is never good to be sad or to go down, but it is even worst to see and to know there is something that keeps you company; a guy who doesn’t love you, a group of friends who wont let you in, a family that wont hear you, a friend that is about to leave. The constant threat of being forgotten with an actual action standing behind it.
And to say that “I’m not myself” wont do any difference. Only by actions do we make a difference. But still I sing the same old song, with the rhythm of my always un-cried tears behind. I wonder if the same old story repeats it self for the eternal beating of a life time, if it does, maybe it is true that a person remains the same, unchanged , always.
I wrote a song, and in it I sang of the past. Again and again. That was my dream.
It never ends.

*And if it comes... and I fear*

My eyes open wide
As I feel the presence of something else
An unforgiving memory that haunts
An open door to run by

The dream, the hope
The one thing that everyone looks for
The reason for stop your breathing
My lungs fear its coming

And my head feels the constant beat
Of an un taken chance
It hopes to once in a while
Forget, like it does when it comes

And it knows how it goes
It makes my body tremble
A shred of acid and colors
Visions with out motion

And then the tear that flows the cheek
It leaves its cave to go down
To the current of unknown emotions
To the emptiness of being lonely and ready to disappear

And I dreamt of places Id love
Of rives and oceans
And windy cities drew by hand
With purpple trees and green skies

I thought of all, I knew it all
My heart raced to the touch
Its physical range inside, hurting
Making music to hear once in a life time

In my mind, I flew
In your eyes, I collapsed
I fell freely in to the lines of nowhere
You saw me fall with out reaching out

And I stayed like that
Forever in the air
Swaying eternally, wondering
Lost inside the smell of gardenias
Waiting to wake again

After all,
If my heart stopped singing through my veins, Would anyone care?

Pic by Christian von alvensleben