HappY HolyDays

Did you know that beacause of time lines and time uses it is xmas somewhere else and it is tomorrow some where else? of course you know, it is just one of those things you know but dont give much importance to.
Whta is there to say about today? I 've probably spent the last week waiting for this day to just arrive and go, and I m not going to say that now I want ti to last all night, but Im not really feeling the joy of it happening. Any way, have a nice day and a nice winter vacation¡¡

De corazones desequilibrados*

" And its so hard to do, and so easy to say
that sometimes you just have to walk away" Ben Harper- Walk away

I hate to be lonely, and then when time finally goes by easylly, have to regret it because it took me away from reality for for a while.

"Siento que debo encontrarte y sin embargopaso el tiempo yéndome hacia mi mismo,a mi centro que jamás encontrare.
Yo quisiera tenerte y tratarte de modo decente pero ves que ya no puedo despegar de mi papel. Deberé de tranquilizarme y jugar al juego que me prepones.Bajo la guardia, te recibo y me abrigo de tu piel.
El destino me ha dado corazones desequilibrados, Tu palabra me nivela y detiene mi caer"
Miranda- Don

How about self destruction?

In the days of my mental crisis combined with a personal out brake and a future related "crossroad", I stood in the middle of a friends gattering and went to the bathroom, and there in front to the mirror, object I am fond of talking to... , I spoke " Even if now I can't get out, one day I'll get out of this town, and if that doesn't work, I can always Kill myself".I must add a little foot note; even if I love preaching suicide, thinking about it in a "deep and un-personal way", I 've never believed in it. Even in my worst days never have I tried it or even crossed it as an option. There is one easy way for me not to; If it hurts now, imagine how can it hurt forever. Not even as a religion issue but as a we are espirits and that would definitly leave a scar.Any way, it scared me, I repeted what I had just said and it freaked me, I could kill myself, but I just dont want to, cutting you'r veins open isn't funny, been there done that. What am I gonna do then? I have something burnig me up inside and I guess I need to clear it out.
I am too much of a coward and this is something I really dont want to be challenged on, I just really need to find a way of getting out.It wasnt the only thought of the day, after crying for almost a week in a row I decided to be the perfect daughter, to use TV as a guide to life and be all desesperated housewives on mine.
So, to be the perfect person, eat vegetables and all, and then strike back as hard as I can, but honestly, that just wont work, I need to do something now, I just can't think of anything that can work as a I told you so and not to be too hard. I mean, I m not getting pregnant just so my mom shuts up about how much sex Im getting. Which by the way Im not¡¡¡Our parents, I mean people like them, they should get daugthers and sons with smoking and drinking habits, with cocaine addictions and orgies by the weekend. Instead they got us, virgins with out stomachs hard enough to hold alchol and sensitive lungs. How many times did I walked resigned to a friend and her cigars and tried? But I know that if I did my 5 colds a year would be 10 and honestly I dont care much for the bother.Guess we'll just have to do with what we have. Try not to fall to many times, or simply learn to stay in the ground.

There was a little girl..

She looked in the mirror
with caution not to break it
'casue her moves made the wind go hazy
'cause she was clumsy and slow

She told to herself
"Today never happend"
and with a fake knowing smile
she went and hid from the light

And she cried again
like she hadn't in a while
since she was a little doll
since she had her brain in her soul



And so she smiled
sitting in her chair
looking at her place
inside the house of lies

She held tight to her insides
wondering if by one's tears
one could drown

She thought to her notes
how the future shows to the ones with eyes
and how she can say she has seen
and the future scares her to the point of screams

Because she saw a girl
sitting in a chair
singing herself to sleep
alone

And alone wasn't sweet
it smelled like death
and hurt like people knows how.
Alone tried to kill her

And so, too scare to move
she sat in a chair
rocking to front and back
thinking "if the future comes
it will find me here"

Wearing blood red wine in her veins
with crystal in her eyes
and stars in the soles of her shoes
she sat.

Pic by Waldo Savedra - Camila

Dangerous to be kept awake at lonely nights

Days go by unlived like pages in a book with out words. These days I feel my heart go and go, harder than before. Maybe it’s the cold.

I’ve always know I m happier in the sun. Like always, I yearn for the lost summer days when with out a worry we all walked and saw through it all.
It is now, especially, that I see the bridge of between my sanity and my flow collapse. It is never good to be sad or to go down, but it is even worst to see and to know there is something that keeps you company; a guy who doesn’t love you, a group of friends who wont let you in, a family that wont hear you, a friend that is about to leave. The constant threat of being forgotten with an actual action standing behind it.
And to say that “I’m not myself” wont do any difference. Only by actions do we make a difference. But still I sing the same old song, with the rhythm of my always un-cried tears behind. I wonder if the same old story repeats it self for the eternal beating of a life time, if it does, maybe it is true that a person remains the same, unchanged , always.
I wrote a song, and in it I sang of the past. Again and again. That was my dream.
It never ends.

*And if it comes... and I fear*

My eyes open wide
As I feel the presence of something else
An unforgiving memory that haunts
An open door to run by

The dream, the hope
The one thing that everyone looks for
The reason for stop your breathing
My lungs fear its coming

And my head feels the constant beat
Of an un taken chance
It hopes to once in a while
Forget, like it does when it comes

And it knows how it goes
It makes my body tremble
A shred of acid and colors
Visions with out motion

And then the tear that flows the cheek
It leaves its cave to go down
To the current of unknown emotions
To the emptiness of being lonely and ready to disappear

And I dreamt of places Id love
Of rives and oceans
And windy cities drew by hand
With purpple trees and green skies

I thought of all, I knew it all
My heart raced to the touch
Its physical range inside, hurting
Making music to hear once in a life time

In my mind, I flew
In your eyes, I collapsed
I fell freely in to the lines of nowhere
You saw me fall with out reaching out

And I stayed like that
Forever in the air
Swaying eternally, wondering
Lost inside the smell of gardenias
Waiting to wake again

After all,
If my heart stopped singing through my veins, Would anyone care?

Pic by Christian von alvensleben

Quién sería? Ja...

Al otro lado de mi cama,
Donde nadie nunca duerme
Fuiste cayendo despacito
Hasta que tu cabeza chocó con la almohada

Al otro lado de mi cama
El que siempre esta vacío
Escuché tu respiración acelerarse
Y pretendí que mi mano estaba entre la tuya

Al otro lado de mi cama
Ahí guarde tu olor cuando te estabas yendo
Al otro lado de mi cama
Y en mis sueño
Sentí que me abrazabas

Y ahí, donde soñé que soñaba
Me perdí por meses y días
Sin saber en donde estaba
Me perdí…
Yo, 10, 10 2005

~~People~~

In my hand I read my life
In my wrist I hold my friends
In my arm I keep the veins that connect
My life and my brain

If I give off my hand
Please don’t shake it off
Treat it as if it was yours and
Don’t let it fall to the side

If I break my wrist
Please mend it and know
That I will forever carry the bandage
That you made

If I slash my veins…
If I slash my veins and they can not longer hold the line that connects my brain to my hand…

Then I won’t ever write again
The stories in my head will be emty of emotion
And the line that goes on to my heart will stop its way

If I slash my veins and break my wrist and give someone my hand
Please let me know that I did so
Please wake me up
Please hold my hand…

Las cosas divertidas

Me desespera cuando pasa un fín de semana y cuando llegas a donde llegues el lunes la gente con la que común mente estas te dice que ellos también, igual que tu, estuvieron sin hacer nada viendo tele, o de plano dormidos.
Pués este fín de semana prometía ser muy dievrtido, un mini conciertito el viernes y uno más grande el sabado. Debo ser honesta cuando digo que después de que todos los que dijeron "yo si voy" dijeron "yo no puedo" me sentí bastante desconsolada por que no sabía que era lo que iba a pasar. Pero que pués, que depués de esperar como hora y media en mi casa, los compas llegaron y nos fuímos al Hangar Club a ver a un ex-compañero de clase.
¿He dicho ya que me encantan los imprevistos? Pues así es jaja, llegamos y no había forma de pasar , coches por todas partes, y además una fila que parecía demasiado larga. Aprovechando el estacionamiento que creíamos lleno, entramos. Una maravilla que el cover sea de 40 $ nada más, y el lugar que ninguno conocía resulto ser divertido.
Lo siento por el único niño del grupo de tres personas, pero la música fue buena, la gente también, y gente de por aquí deben de saber que... que cantante tan más guapo. El hecho de que toque la guitarra de manera impresionante no le quita ningún punto. Pero el que para nosotros se llevó el acto fue el Luis David, que mientras no tocaba, bailaba y brincaba, cariño, que bien lo haces jaja.
Y ese fue el viernes, que aunque terminó rápido se lleva un 10 en recuerdos. Eso es lo que vale no?
Y pues a ver que pasa hoy, esperemos que Belanova y Moderatto se diviertan allá arriba del escenario para que nosotros nos la pasemos bien.
En fín, la semana que viene es el Ensamble de Tec, acuérdense de comprar boletos , va a estar muy divertido.
Adios

"Make it something that everyone will call a statement, but you'll just call it a random Tuesday"
Coca-Cola Advertisement

On family

It is strange to think that family is the people who lives closer to you than anybody ells, I dont think they are. I dont really know who family is but I can tell that it is certantly suppose to mean something more just people, strangers , together... that sounds more like school or work, there are no real links between them to actually connect them but the fact that they are in the moment in the same plce and have to well, share it.

Any way, there are things like that in here because, there are situations that freak me out; like something simple called life and death.
There is a guy, it is suppose to be Barz Lurman, wether thats the spelling or not, that says that you should "stick to your brothers and sisters, there are your best link to the past and the most likely to stay with you in the future" ad he is right.

What happens when we start to get lonelly and alone? Maybe we will need our "family" later on, more than we see now, and when that happens they wont be around, and we ll run to the ones that are left with us, to our brothers and sister. What happens with the ones who were born alone? The ones with no aparent ties to some other being.

I guess we ll look for the confort in the ones we think of as family, but they have their own families, ones that requier them to be there only for them. Its funny and ridiculus, I dont care, as they say, in the end everyone looks only after themselves. I guess I would too, I just dont know if I would. Thats the whole thing about being alone and finding acceptance in someone other than us, maybe thats what truly makes us be around here and try our best. WE REALLY HAVE TO STOP LIVING FOR OTHERS¡¡¡

Dont sweat it anyway, one day you ll see it, and then you ll think , like normal people does, that it doesnt matter, that it is just an illusion...

*You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? *
Jimmy eat the world- 23

Some Idle Sunday

I sit in front of my computer, overwhelm by a sense of lightness, everything inside of me feels like glowing its way to the stars and beyond. I’m taken. Breathing is like being complete and empty at the same time, in spaces of time; yes… no… and then again… and there it goes…
This is the kind of feeling drug addicts want to have by consuming, its sweet to get it for free. Nothing goes wrong, not until you wake up, but still the fall is much ,much lighter than any other way of flying could allow you to.
There is nothing special of it, no specific way to get there and no way to hold it for a longer ride when it decides to leave; suddenly, your skin is there again and you are no longer one with the greatness that had, just moments ago, caught you in its arms.
So when it comes, when you feel it arrives, just close your eyes and let the fall take you in, turn you over, let it touch you where no has, the way you always wanted it to.
Its like those times on a Sunday morning when you wake up and the sun is going through the cracks of your window warming bits of skin, tracing a path of floating dust across the room. Its swinging to the drums of a song, the tempos drawn in your mind moving all of you. Its feeling sexy. Its being weightless.
Its like driving in an empty street, with your friends singing at the top of their lungs the perfect song to sing in that moment. It’s the coming together of senses, of spiritual and physical, body and mind and soul, its being real, and feeling alive. Knowing that it ends, but that for a moment, everything can be solve and it all comes down to being good. Its listening to the planets and moving the stars, and burning your corneas for looking at the sun and dancing in the rain and letting the sun dry your tears.
Its laying in the cold just for the sake of it. Its waking barefoot on the warm floor, its resting your head on a pillow, its listening to a heart beat tell you the story of a life time.
Its being awake.

And so it goes

What happens when someone falls and doesnt have the need or the urge to actually get up?

I have seen that it is the kind of thing that leaves us grounded to a false reality making us believe that we are just fine, just enough energy, just enough time, just enough love and caring.
Just enogh life to be lived...

I have refused to believe this or that which I've heard people said, things like "people doesnt need love" and "humanity is fucked up and screwed" (Thanx a lot cuz) and as I answered, I feel personally offended¡¡
We are all a part of it to belive that it has no way to get better or change, and even when we are stuck in something that goes way pass our heads, there will be a better day, and we'll live through it and see it with no better eyes than we see today¡¡ So stop complainig and do something or it will just walk infront of you and you wont even know it.
On the other statement, about people not needing love, What is wrong with you people?? I am the first one to admit that it is fun to bitch about it, speacilly when your hurt (believe me , I know) that in order to cope with it you have to hate it and then come back to your senses( dont be happy, if Im writting this is there is a back-up line) and maybe none of us is in the actual mood to disscuss the fact that people hurts,but so do we.. We hurt the ones we love the most to begin with, no matter what kind of love ; family, girl and boy , friends (the most common) and then it goes to the people that we couldnt care less about.
Thats what sucks, the idea of knowing we will get hurt, and that the more we try to forget about it or try to not get hurt, the more we go back. I do believe that when you get hurt, the first thing to do is set up a barrier, some people say that something little dies inside or that the things that you've given are forever gone, but the truth, to me, is that this is just a time, or it should be, it is the time that it gets your "heart " to trust and see clear again.
Its like being bias. Its like when you get a cold or a whatever and your body is healing, it takes time to do so.
I dont know if I make any sense, the truth is this is just a bunch of things that have been rambling in my head for a while and I thught What a better place to talk about them that the place no one will read?
All of this comes from the unexplicable sense that listening to a song can bring, the memories and the feelings and the tears and the goosebumps ... you cant explain it, but thats the mission of songs, other make up for silence, to touch a string inside of you and make you feel something (love, saddness, anger, horniness.. anything)
Note, and read carefully, being there with a song ready to make you feel better or worse, who knows.. it isnt but the greatness a friend to another, how much I would love to say that there is something ellse ,but know that there isnt any other intention than to bring a friendship back to its roots, which were with tons of ironies, songs.
Any way, I just wanted to say that we have to stop hidding iniside ourselves, we have to let time and moment and feeling get together to be one, always, thats the only way we can be true to ourselves, by showing what we feel and with that who we are.
We are so afraid of being rejected that we no longer tell people we love them (too sudden) or we hate them (too unpolite) or that we need them (too neede). When did we grew up and forgot what it was like to be us? It isnt easy, but there is no reason to be inside us, knowing something that could make great advances.
We are so afraid of change that we prefer to stay with a doubt forever before speaking our minds and taking a risk.
Maybe I AM A COMPLETE hypocrit , maybe.. but i just had to say it. and let you all know.
By the way, as I m at it, to those who keep bugging about a guy getting a grip of a girl and a girl not complaining enough, call me a slut, but a girl has needs.. and those who say it, problaby know it better than I ever could.. So whatever.
Leave a message, something to actually talk about, c'mon dont be cowards..
Love always
Me (Who ever it is you want me to be)

holA